October 02, 2006
Arrested Development!
by George A Palombo
Executive Director ACE
My experiences in law enforcement have not led me to make any white collar arrests for shifty accounting practices at any big family conglomerates. Those high profile investigations are generally handled by specialized agents who have far more investigative prowess than I am equipped with. But this week I had the unenviable task of confiscating a straight-razor, some suspected cocaine, and a note containing the written intention of extreme violence from a twelve year old girl at a local school today.
That would all be bad enough, but the nonchalance with which she responded was probably the most disturbing part of the story. It struck me that I was more emotionally involved in her arrest than she seemed to be.
This is certainly not the first time that I had occasion to witness this type of criminal behavior...... even in school. With twenty one years of law enforcement experience, and fourteen of those years in public schools, I have seen more than my share of criminal activity. But when a girl bounces happily out of the classroom after noticing that her "stash" and "weapon" are missing, it causes me to really search for answers to some gnawing questions about this generation of young people.
What are we supposed to do with these kids? Where do they belong after this kind of behavior? We have all seen the devastation wrought by young people in the news. It would be easy to dismiss this kind of behavior as "rare", but that would be a lie. And besides, kids don't just wake up one day and decide to bring a straight razor and cocaine to school. Under close investigation, some chain of events always leads up to these incidents. The question becomes, "Are we paying close enough attention?"
First, more and more kids are left to face the daunting challenges of adolescence either alone or in some kind of emotional or social pain. Growing up is tough even in the context of the most supportive and loving home. (I have recently met the mother of the girl and she seems to be a caring and supportive parent.) But when a child is not afforded this luxury, the difficulty to make sense of the emotional confusion of adolescence is greatly multiplied. I don't know about the rest of you, but when I experience physical or emotional pain, I like to have my pain relieved. I hate pain! It hurts me and I look for relief! The average young person is painfully struggling to discover their own identity and to fit in. In today's media shaped culture this is no easy task for a kid who was not blessed with outstanding athletic ability, unblemished skin or endowed with academic brilliance. I have spent time with countless thousands of young people over the years and have come to at least one conclusion; They are not 'just kids' they are people. I believe adults often minimize teenage struggles because they measure teen struggles in comparison with adult struggles. Sometimes adults have to slow down and recognize that hardship is always relative to the person experiencing it. Drugs and alcohol serve as the perfect anesthesia when no one is around to help a struggling teen make sense of their world. Kids need our help. If we don't help them make sense of their world, they will force it to make sense all by themselves. Even if it means jamming square pegs into round holes.
Second, the future consequences of certain behaviors often don't occur to teens. Their media driven world displays to them that drug and alcohol abuse, cavalier sexual encounters and rebellion against authority hold little or no consequence in store for the actors who commit them. Kids are invincible in their own eyes. It should not surprise us that kids believe and embrace these ideas. It does not mean that kids are stupid, it simply means that they are kids with very little guided experience to discipline their own actions. Critical thinking and objective standards of right and wrong must be addressed with kids, and upheld for them. Young people are often blown about by the winds of personal preference regarding their moral behavior. Left unchecked, the average teen will see how far he or she can "push it". A young person on an emotional roller coaster is prone to get a bit dizzy and lose his or her emotional equilibrium. Parents and teachers must invest the time to help young people discern truth in a morally unstable environment. It is neither convenient nor easy, but the payoff far exceeds the labor.
Third, parents have to stop making excuses for their kids. I am fully aware that this can be a thorny issue. I have dropped the ball on several occasions with my kids over the years and therefore feel qualified to make certain statements through experience. Many parents are very busy advancing their own personal agenda of success. If that sounds harsh....sorry! I have six of my own kids and have gotten my share of calls from the principal for some illegitimate behavior at school. But not one of those incidents was met with indifference towards school administration. I know better than anyone how my kids can sometimes act and my first response is to listen carefully to the administrator and make every effort to work things out in the best interest for all parties involved. I refuse to make excuses for my kids' behavior even though they have been labeled "special needs" adopted. They may not be able to learn quite as efficiently as some other kids in the classroom, but that affords them no excuse whatsoever to compromise the learning environment for others through willful misbehavior. Open and honest dialogue is the only way to make the triangle between parents, educators and school administration work for everyone. Parents have to work hard to teach their kids to maintain a respectful posture in school even when those kids are diagnosed with ADD or ADHD. This is NOT to imply that you, or your kids will get it right all the time because everyone fails at times. But we should be working diligently to help our kids understand that they are ultimately responsible for their own behavior and we are responsible for helping them to learn that.
Fourth, parents and educators must encourage young people with all their might. Kids have enough battles outside the home and therefore need a place of safety and verbal support within the home. Help your kids to understand that their opinion matters by giving them your full and undivided attention when they need to discuss an issue, or to just simply vent. Be committed. It is hard work being a parent. Love is a tough business that requires a lot of personal sacrifice. For example, drawing reasonable, but concise boundaries for your kids and consistently holding them accountable in a firm and fair manner requires balancing personal time, family time and work time. Time is a valuable asset and giving it away can be very painful. But you can choose to concede some of it on behalf of your kids so that it works for you now instead of against you later.
Lastly, Ask questions...Lots of questions! If you want to know what is going on in their world, ASK! Kids are the best experts on the world that they live in. Use it to your advantage and remember; YOU are the expert on what is best for them! Besides, it is less important to appear cool in their eyes than to appear honest in their eyes. They do not need to think that you have all the answers. They know you don’t have all the answers. Nobody has all the answers. If you don’t know, say “I don’t know, but together we can find out.” Good luck!
George can be reached at g.palombo@comcast.net
Posted by GeorgeP at 03:17 PM | Comments (0)
July 19, 2005
Web sites dealing with Youth Violence
Be sure to check the list of Youth Violence sites in the Resources section of this Web site!
If you have other Youth Violence sites to suggest, please leave a comment below.
Posted by sdonley at 01:43 PM | Comments (0)